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Category: Off Topic

Off Topic: No-shave November

By Joe C., Buffalo Exchange Tempe

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“You call it facial hair. I call it awesomeness escaping through my face.”

I just couldn’t let the month slip by without paying tribute to beardliness in all its incarnations. Read along as we celebrate those who wear the whiskers right.

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THE LONGSHOREMAN – All facial topiary starts with stubble-y beginnings, but some men consciously cultivate that into a look all its own. The permanent 3-day growth was popularized by Don Johnson in the days of Miami Vice and lives on today with gents like Jason Statham.

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THE PENCIL – The simplest of all lip décor is The Pencil moustache, but no one manages it with the cheeky aplomb of cult director John Waters.

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THE DALI – What happens when a pencil moustache lives on the face of a legendary surrealist? It becomes inevitably surreal itself. A look that no one, but Salvador Dali, himself could pull off.

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THE HANDLEBAR – Jauntiness is a dish best served curled – or at least it is in the world of handlebar ‘staches. Some, like Tom Hardy, sport theirs with just a hint of curl at the ends, while others prefer to go full carnival with it.

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THE SUPER MARIO – Like The Dali, only one man is truly man enough to make this work and that’s why it’s named after him.

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THE COP ‘STACHE – When most people think “moustache,” this is the image floating in their noggin. And who does it better than “Movember” poster boy Nick Offerman?

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THE DUSTER – There are some men in this world whose unshaven face just doesn’t look quite right. An unfinished symphony. And legendary whisketeer Sam Elliott is certainly one of those. I’m quite sure his organ donor card also lists his moustache.

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THE CHOPPER – While a Fu Manchu extends beyond the length of the face, The Chopper is confident enough to stay right where it is. Vince Vaughn knows that, like the handlebars of a vintage hog, this style steers all the attention to the person assured enough to ride with it.

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THE SOUL PATCH – Just enough scruff to let the world know you haven’t gone “normal,” Springsteen is someone who won’t catch flack for his.

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THE ZAPPA – When The Chopper and The Soul Patch hang out together, you get The Zappa. Frank iconically donned his, but Liev Schreiber transports it to the modern day no worse for wear.

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THE CHINNY PUFF – A poof of hair on the chin rarely looks good without a rooftop of solid ‘stachery – and former 007 Pierce Brosnan gives us nothing less.

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THE ANCHOR – Shaped like its name, the mighty Anchor can bestow follicular dignity to both a civil war hero and soccer star David Beckham.

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THE VAN DYKE – Wait, isn’t that just a goatee? Kanye could tell you that a true goatee does not contain the moustache portion, but he knows that getting persnickety about beard terminology is a level of uncool that you dare not stoop to.

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THE MUTTON CHOPS – When sideburns go rogue, Mutton Chops are born. Since the mid-70s manifestations by Neil Young and Quint from Jaws, the Chops have rarely seen the light of day outside of the X-Men universe. Then again, who’s gonna argue with Wolverine?

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THE HULIHEE – Unless you somehow find yourself in a period drama, it’s hard to be taken seriously with the ‘ol mutton chop/moustache bridge. Luckily, Bill Murray could care less. And we love him for it.

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THE DUCKTAIL – It takes a fair amount of grooming to maintain a beard of this particular shape, but when done right by fellows like Leo DiCaprio, the results are downright sinister.

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THE FRENCH FORK – It’s difficult to sport this without seeming like you’re putting too much effort into it, but Brad Pitt successfully keeps it casual.

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THE BOXED BEARD – The day of the bushy beard still has a few hours left in it, but if you want to keep it classic, The Boxed Beard is the way to go. Masculine without seeming unkempt, maintained without seeming primped, actor Idris Elba rocks it effortlessly.

 

So, what do we do when we find an appropriate closing quote with no discernable author? We attribute it to No-Shave November’s chairman of the board, The Most Interesting Man in the World: “Your character tells the world that you are a real man. Your beard is merely the exclamation point.”

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